Being Chemically Dependent.

Two years ago, my world fell apart.  Against all 'precautions', against all 'positive steps', I was diagnosed with early breast cancer.  I simply could not deal with it...even though my case was 'mild' and diagnosed early, the centre could not hold. 

A sensible doctor strongly suggested citalopram, a serotonin-re-uptake inhibitor.  It keeps your body (which makes serotonin in various locations, mostly the gut) from 'dumping' it, and it lets your body store the stuff in your brain. . . at least that's how I understand it.  Serotonin makes you feel 'better', it gives you a feeling of well-being.  

Although a chilling thought, it works. Much like the Letrozole works for suppressing the estrogen that supposedly makes the cancer grow (and which i take with religious regularity daily--and will for another three years) the Citalopram fixes the malfunction in my body that makes me not have the level of seratonin that i must need.  My body responds in what i guess is a 'normal' manner: it rebels.  In my case that means feelings of depression and worthlessness and pointlessness are magnified, like bugs through the glass of a telephoto lens. 

 I have no control over this.  In fact, until i felt better ON the meds, i would have said there was nothing 'wrong' with me, that i was just feeling depressed. Who Knew it was chemical--I certainly couldn't tell;  people around me could tell I was morose or down, but the lack of certain chemicals doesn't give you a tell-tale glow, or symptoms that shout "This woman needs chemical intervention!" 
I've always thought you controlled yourself. You work at feeling better, etc.  This doesn't work like that--telling yourself to 'cheer up', to 'be positive' to 'be brave' to 'fight' have about as much use and result as telling someone to 'jump up and touch the moon' or similar.

A scary thought.  everything you thought was Certain, is most definitely not.  Everything you thought you could count on (your mind, for one) is capriciously dependent on some unknown, untasted, unseen chemical that most people have in plenty and that I--unbeknownst to me--was lacking. 

It changes the way you see yourself in the mirror; changes the way you look at others; (thankfully) changes the way you respond to stress and 'disaster', or anger, or depression...I don't feel as though I'm being drugged or changed, but I CAN tell I am being calmer about things that used to send me raging.  No more smashing things, breaking things just to keep from exploding.  it seems to make me more... reasonable. 

Just as the letrozole quietly goes about stopping my body from making a chemical that feeds the cancer I had, the citalopram quietly lets me marshal the resources for even-keeled life-sailing.  I don't understand either one;  I have many side effects from both that I wish I didn't have to experience, but they are making my life more livable, both physically & emotionally. 

I don't ask questions any more.  I'm just fervently glad they exist and that I can take them and have some semblance of control back in my life.